(Time to read: ~2 minutes)
Today was a tough day for me. I had supper with some dear friends who were in town to give a workshop. They all seem to know what they are supposed to be doing with their lives. And I’m not sure.
Some days it is amazing to be seeking to follow a spirit-led path. Things happen and fall into place in ways that seem miraculous, without planning or trying.
Today was one of the harder days. When the things I’m called to do (setting up a new website and writing web pages) seem so far removed from the contribution I want to be making that it’s hard to believe that I’m really on the right track, and not just wasting time.
When I hear that people I’d like to support are choosing to work with someone else – and it’s hard to trust that I have anything meaningful to offer.
When I try to describe my best sense of what I’m working on and someone says “Oh, like [some other already-established thing]” and, again, it’s hard to believe I’m hearing my calling accurately: “Life, you can’t mean that I’m supposed to do this – because [they] are already so well established. It doesn’t make any sense.”
And so I sit and feel the pain of my currently unmet longing to contribute in meaningful ways – to do whatever unknown, mysterious thing I’ve been put here to do. My longing for clarity – to know that I am heading in the right direction and I haven’t lost my way.
I sit with a tight knot in my throat and tears running down my face. And I sit with the pain and sadness and longing and uncertainty and fear.
And I’m grateful for the time and the space to simply give myself to what is. And to know that “being with this” is the life-serving step on my path for now – not fighting these feelings, or trying to talk myself out of them, or distracting myself from them. Just “being with”.
And that doesn’t take away the pain and sadness and tears and fear. It just sits with them, keeping them company.
Like a wise and silent old woman, companionably rocking as she knits. Knowing that this too is part of life. And this too shall shift in its own right time. Like drops of oil in a puddle of water, swirling and moving from one rainbow configuration to another…
Knowing too, that tomorrow I will get up, check my heart-compass, and follow the path to which spirit calls me.
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